October 8 2013

Weight today was 228. This is hard. I am having a really hard time. I need a support group! I am having a really hard time. I try to stick to protein during the day and do okay. The evening has been and always has been the hardest time for me. Almost a comfort thing for me just to eat eat eat after work. Come home and alone.. So just feel the need to eat. Fall is a time of the year I love-- especially after the long hot Texas summers. But it also brings about such a feeling of nostalgia. I have been thinking back a lot about my life and the choices that I have made. Things I could have done better. Wishing I would have been a better parent and so sad that I was pretty selfish sometimes with my time and spent more time working and more time with my significant other than with my son. Why I think about this so much at this time of the year I have no idea. But it kind of tears me up. My son will be 23 this year. I am pretty sure he isn't spending any time thinking about what a horrible mother I was at times, but I wish I could have been better. I have tried to make up for it by being a great MiMi for my grandson, but that to comes with its own sadness. I guess watching him grow makes me realize just how short life is and how little time I get with him. Spend so much time at work, and so little time doing what I really love--- being a grandma.. okay. enough I am going to work myself into a crying jag.....
As for weight loss. It has been tough trying to get back on track. I have slipped back into some of my old bad habits. Finding myself slipping back into the diet mentality of wanting to do this diet or that. Even thought briefly of WW again! UGHHH No Tammy that is what got you up to 273! So.. I am trying to do a shake in the morning and a protein bar for lunch. That hasn't been so great. And the darn protein bars make bloated and gassy feeling. Working in a small office that is just not a good combination. I am not sure what is wrong with me as far as exercise. I had been doing so good in August.. But since the end of that month... NOT GOOD. WHY? I have been thinking about doing a spin class or something after work.. but I am not sure if I would be able to get off in time. I could. Then I would not have to come home to the empty house. Its not to expensive.. I could do it. I wonder if I could really keep up? I will never know unless I try right? I guess I need to think about this...... really think about it.
Tonight I came home and made a salad.. It was quite possibly the WORST lap band experience that I have had. I have had several episodes of not chewing my food good enough and throwing up. But tonight I had a salad and something about that salad was really irritating to my band and I was sliming crazy amounts. Threw up several times and just couldn't get whatever it was down. FINALLY after jumping up and down and a sip of pineapple juice it finally went down. UGH. not a great way to end the day. Finding how much that food soothes me emotionally. Eating out has just become something I can do without. I like okay love to eat out... But its not even fun when you cant really eat. Took my son, grandson and Catwoman out to eat this weekend... UGH Olive garden just sucks when you can only stare at the bread sticks and wonder if anyone would think it odd if you just licked them.. I had a bowl of soup, 1 bite of bread and a few bits of appetizer and a little salad.. Now that just isn't fun. Maybe I am just thinking about it wrong. I need to feel proud of myself. But honestly it is hard...... I want to eat! I like to eat.. But I don't like to be fat... So... that is the sacrifice. I was so grouchy for a long time and I started to eat sweets again.. I have to get out of this habit again. Its a slippery slope to gaining back all of my weight. I cant let that happen. Why is it that sugar calms me so much.. that is crazy.
On the upside of NOT eating out so much, and not going to the grocery store all the time-- I have saved tons of money. There is 800. extra dollars in my account since my surgery from not eating out =) now that is a huge bonus! And thinking about that makes me in a slightly better mood all around! Okay well that is all for now.. I guess I will have to come back later.. tomorrow is my surgiversery 6 months.. its time to step it up for the next 6 months!! I am going to see my surgeon on November 16th--- I am going to lose 10 lbs by then.. I am going to do it! I will do it! Happy surgiversary  to meeeeee.

Friday Oct 4, 2013

What have I been thinking? I have had probably the worst 2-3 days of eating since getting banded!! Just been eating whatever I want. Starting out the day okay, and then just lose it in the evening. I am not sure why I am reverting back to my pre-band behaviors. ugh. Most of September went by and I did not exercise. Its cooled off and I haven't walked even once. I didn't weigh myself today because I know that I am bloated with extra fluid. My period? No... food choices, of peanuts and fritos last night. dang it! I have a really  busy weekend before me. Going to work my shift today for Home Health, then going to work an extra 10 hour shift for Pedi Home Health. Then going to work my 10 hour shift on Saturday night.--- then I have to go to Austin to get my son some stuff that he needs. Going to take Carson with me. There will not be any rest next week. Then next week my co worker is going to be on vacation. So I will be doing the work of 3 people????? haha.. GRRRR. They are going to have 2 RN's come in to help and we will see how that goes. It will be okay, just not all that excited about it. One of the Rn's that is going to be helping is the compliance officer and she wants  to change everything. Not exactly the time to make changes--- but oh well. Could all of this be contributing to my over eating? Probably I just need to take a breath to get through. I have come to far to let all of this derail my efforts. My lap band is my tool to help avoid this. I have learned how to eat around my band. I need to avoid this behavior.. So I will be back on Monday to update how I am doing--- Hope it all works out and I can get back on track with this I can do that! I can do that !!

Awww what a sad day for my partner.. Her cat died yesterday. I came home from work and found him. I wanted to call her to tell her, but knew that she was not going to react well. I am so glad because she fell to the ground and was crying so hard. I just felt so helpless. I was sad when I found him and am really missing that crazy cat today. He had not been feeling well and we knew this, but he did he seemed like he was better the last day or so... For her it is like one of her children has passed.

That all makes me feel so superficial about weight loss. I guess just the thought of concentrating efforts on weight loss when there are other areas of my life that I should be concentrating on just makes me feel --- low. My weight today was 229. BLAH Why can't that scale move the other direction? But I totally earned that # and cant even deny it.

Maybe I need to get back to the gym and do some classes and see if I find something that I love. I have wanted to try spin class. not sure.. I am going to think about that today. Well hopefully will be a better day food wise today. Going to take my Catwoman to get her cat cremated. I don't want her to drive so taking some time off this morning. I have the longest weekend coming up--- At the end of the week I will have worked about 65 hours. UGHHH. Thankfully 20 of those hours are really easy. Then spending my only day off going to Austin, will take my grandson to see his dad and get some things for my son that he needs for his new job. AND then a little rest Sunday evening -- and a really tough next week looming, As my co worker is on vacation.. So basically I will be doing the job of 3. ugh. I am just one woman. More overtime.. Going to put it in my xmas fund. So I wont complain. My goal each year and this year especially is not to use my credit cards.. Well more next time.. Hopefully will be lighter in mood and body!