October 8 2013

Weight today was 228. This is hard. I am having a really hard time. I need a support group! I am having a really hard time. I try to stick to protein during the day and do okay. The evening has been and always has been the hardest time for me. Almost a comfort thing for me just to eat eat eat after work. Come home and alone.. So just feel the need to eat. Fall is a time of the year I love-- especially after the long hot Texas summers. But it also brings about such a feeling of nostalgia. I have been thinking back a lot about my life and the choices that I have made. Things I could have done better. Wishing I would have been a better parent and so sad that I was pretty selfish sometimes with my time and spent more time working and more time with my significant other than with my son. Why I think about this so much at this time of the year I have no idea. But it kind of tears me up. My son will be 23 this year. I am pretty sure he isn't spending any time thinking about what a horrible mother I was at times, but I wish I could have been better. I have tried to make up for it by being a great MiMi for my grandson, but that to comes with its own sadness. I guess watching him grow makes me realize just how short life is and how little time I get with him. Spend so much time at work, and so little time doing what I really love--- being a grandma.. okay. enough I am going to work myself into a crying jag.....
As for weight loss. It has been tough trying to get back on track. I have slipped back into some of my old bad habits. Finding myself slipping back into the diet mentality of wanting to do this diet or that. Even thought briefly of WW again! UGHHH No Tammy that is what got you up to 273! So.. I am trying to do a shake in the morning and a protein bar for lunch. That hasn't been so great. And the darn protein bars make bloated and gassy feeling. Working in a small office that is just not a good combination. I am not sure what is wrong with me as far as exercise. I had been doing so good in August.. But since the end of that month... NOT GOOD. WHY? I have been thinking about doing a spin class or something after work.. but I am not sure if I would be able to get off in time. I could. Then I would not have to come home to the empty house. Its not to expensive.. I could do it. I wonder if I could really keep up? I will never know unless I try right? I guess I need to think about this...... really think about it.
Tonight I came home and made a salad.. It was quite possibly the WORST lap band experience that I have had. I have had several episodes of not chewing my food good enough and throwing up. But tonight I had a salad and something about that salad was really irritating to my band and I was sliming crazy amounts. Threw up several times and just couldn't get whatever it was down. FINALLY after jumping up and down and a sip of pineapple juice it finally went down. UGH. not a great way to end the day. Finding how much that food soothes me emotionally. Eating out has just become something I can do without. I like okay love to eat out... But its not even fun when you cant really eat. Took my son, grandson and Catwoman out to eat this weekend... UGH Olive garden just sucks when you can only stare at the bread sticks and wonder if anyone would think it odd if you just licked them.. I had a bowl of soup, 1 bite of bread and a few bits of appetizer and a little salad.. Now that just isn't fun. Maybe I am just thinking about it wrong. I need to feel proud of myself. But honestly it is hard...... I want to eat! I like to eat.. But I don't like to be fat... So... that is the sacrifice. I was so grouchy for a long time and I started to eat sweets again.. I have to get out of this habit again. Its a slippery slope to gaining back all of my weight. I cant let that happen. Why is it that sugar calms me so much.. that is crazy.
On the upside of NOT eating out so much, and not going to the grocery store all the time-- I have saved tons of money. There is 800. extra dollars in my account since my surgery from not eating out =) now that is a huge bonus! And thinking about that makes me in a slightly better mood all around! Okay well that is all for now.. I guess I will have to come back later.. tomorrow is my surgiversery 6 months.. its time to step it up for the next 6 months!! I am going to see my surgeon on November 16th--- I am going to lose 10 lbs by then.. I am going to do it! I will do it! Happy surgiversary  to meeeeee.

Friday Oct 4, 2013

What have I been thinking? I have had probably the worst 2-3 days of eating since getting banded!! Just been eating whatever I want. Starting out the day okay, and then just lose it in the evening. I am not sure why I am reverting back to my pre-band behaviors. ugh. Most of September went by and I did not exercise. Its cooled off and I haven't walked even once. I didn't weigh myself today because I know that I am bloated with extra fluid. My period? No... food choices, of peanuts and fritos last night. dang it! I have a really  busy weekend before me. Going to work my shift today for Home Health, then going to work an extra 10 hour shift for Pedi Home Health. Then going to work my 10 hour shift on Saturday night.--- then I have to go to Austin to get my son some stuff that he needs. Going to take Carson with me. There will not be any rest next week. Then next week my co worker is going to be on vacation. So I will be doing the work of 3 people????? haha.. GRRRR. They are going to have 2 RN's come in to help and we will see how that goes. It will be okay, just not all that excited about it. One of the Rn's that is going to be helping is the compliance officer and she wants  to change everything. Not exactly the time to make changes--- but oh well. Could all of this be contributing to my over eating? Probably I just need to take a breath to get through. I have come to far to let all of this derail my efforts. My lap band is my tool to help avoid this. I have learned how to eat around my band. I need to avoid this behavior.. So I will be back on Monday to update how I am doing--- Hope it all works out and I can get back on track with this I can do that! I can do that !!

Awww what a sad day for my partner.. Her cat died yesterday. I came home from work and found him. I wanted to call her to tell her, but knew that she was not going to react well. I am so glad because she fell to the ground and was crying so hard. I just felt so helpless. I was sad when I found him and am really missing that crazy cat today. He had not been feeling well and we knew this, but he did he seemed like he was better the last day or so... For her it is like one of her children has passed.

That all makes me feel so superficial about weight loss. I guess just the thought of concentrating efforts on weight loss when there are other areas of my life that I should be concentrating on just makes me feel --- low. My weight today was 229. BLAH Why can't that scale move the other direction? But I totally earned that # and cant even deny it.

Maybe I need to get back to the gym and do some classes and see if I find something that I love. I have wanted to try spin class. not sure.. I am going to think about that today. Well hopefully will be a better day food wise today. Going to take my Catwoman to get her cat cremated. I don't want her to drive so taking some time off this morning. I have the longest weekend coming up--- At the end of the week I will have worked about 65 hours. UGHHH. Thankfully 20 of those hours are really easy. Then spending my only day off going to Austin, will take my grandson to see his dad and get some things for my son that he needs for his new job. AND then a little rest Sunday evening -- and a really tough next week looming, As my co worker is on vacation.. So basically I will be doing the job of 3. ugh. I am just one woman. More overtime.. Going to put it in my xmas fund. So I wont complain. My goal each year and this year especially is not to use my credit cards.. Well more next time.. Hopefully will be lighter in mood and body!

NSV

Okay! I have said that I love my lap band lately? Its kind of tight but I wore a size 18 pants to work today. And yeah that is still big, but its so much better than the 22/24 that I was in. I was trying to think of when the last time I was able to wear these and I think it was around 2005. I wonder what people at work think about me wearing these clothes and boots? lol. Only one person said anything- and ya know what? I am going to wear the clothes-- because I can!!! Its not that I think I look nice because over all its not about that at all.. Its just the victory of finally being able to get to in these clothes that have just been hanging in my closet for so long!!! If a person has never been morbidly obese they have no idea what it feels like to finally feel formerly too small clothes fit again!!! When I look at myself naked I can't see the difference that much.. but my clothes tell me that the changes are happening. Slowly but surely.. I promise to be patient with myself. I will be going into my 40's at the lowest weight I have been in years. My lowest weight since being in Texas was 160 and I think I was there for about a minute. Then my life got a little mixed up and turned around. That was when I was 30!! Wow. 10 years ago.. a lifetime in someways and yesterday in others! (Turned a little wild there for awhile)

One of the strangest things to me about this weight loss journey is how a food I would think would plug my band up -- just slides right through.. Its almost like the bottom part of my stomach just opens up and lets that hot tamale candy that I love so much, or those ever so fattening chips .. Nope the stoma just opens up and lets those foods that I don't need right on through. Let me try and eat a meat ball, or some chicken and I am going to be stuck and feeling awful.. makes no sense. My significant other thinks that its all in my head. ITs NOT! I can't eat those foods easily. I think that so much of our relationship was built around food that its been pretty hard to find common ground. There have been a few times that I have wondered if we could even make it through this WLJ and end up on the other side still together. Food just cant be my "thing" anymore. She likes to cook for me-- but does not care to cook things for me that are band friendly. I realize that she over feeds the pets, and that is her way of showing love. I can't/won't let that happen to me anymore. lol sounds weird or harsh of me to say but its true. I wonder if other people have these kind of thoughts...

Things that I want to work on this next month that is coming up:
Exercise Walking or bike 4 days per week
Water-- I have never been getting this water in
By the end of October 210-- WOW! Can that be right????
I need to join a challenge!
Okay-- Well off to enjoy this Friday evening here by myself..(which is a nice thing) =)) its only for a few more hours. And I am going to enjoy.

finally fall-- a little off topic

Fall is finally here! Its cooler outside and I am feeling so much more like myself. I've had such good evenings this week. One day I went to work on cleaning up the bushes in the yard and cut them all down. The next day cleaned up around the house and yesterday I picked my grandson up  and took him for a haircut and brought him back to the house and made him dinner. It makes me sad because his mom can be so harsh with him, but I know better than to say anything and just try to be his Mimi and be as patient with him as he always deserves.. He so sweet its not hard. Age has mellowed me out!

So my weight this morning on my scale which tends to weigh 2 lbs heavier than my doctor was 228.8! So I am doing okay. I would do better if I would get up and exercise or do it after work. I think tonight I am going to come home and clean up the garage and then ride my exercise bike. I have not been good about that this month at all! I rode my spin bike 78 miles last month-- and this month I think only like rode it twice for short distances.

I am getting closer to onederland and I am excited! I have been looking deeper in my closet and finding some cute shoes and going to wear them to work. I am sure most people won't understand that the clothes I am wearing aren't new and not buying them for the job. haha maybe they will think I am trying for a promotion -- NOT even!

Not much to write about today. So I hope all of my fellow bloggers are enjoying the change of seasons as much as I am. Here in Texas its such a welcome relief for the cool weather. Have a great lighter day everyone!!

Great news. Went to my doctors appointment and my weight was 227!!! Finally broke into the 20's seems like getting into the transition to the next lower number is always so hard for me. But I realized today that I am nearly half way to my goal of 100 lbs lost and already half way  past the goal the doctor made for me to lose 80 lbs the first year!! Whew.. That realization did wonders for my self esteem. I am really happy about that. Makes my band being a little to tight for comfort worth it- I think its better for my band to be too tight then my pants! I am not sure if my band is to tight or if the problems is more of me not following the  band rules. I have a hard time slowing down to eat. Still eat like a starving puppy, and I forget to chew, chew, chew. And eating a cup of food at a time-- well I fully admit that I have not really measured-EVER. I have paid for this with throwing up, PB and general discomfort. I think I am learning ever so slowly to adjust my habits. Realize now that I can't get up and just eat what ever jumps at me from the refrigerator. I will pay by throwing up and that's if I am lucky. If not lucky it will just be stuck and really uncomfortable for hours. I guess this is BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION. Eating meat-- probably not really something I will be doing to much of. BUT my clothes fit, loosely, Walking in heels does not make my toes scream for 2 days, and I just feel better. (Most days) I still have days where this is really hard mentally. I want to dive head first into the nearest bag of chips, but am able to eat small amts of most foods and be satisfied. If anyone ever says that weight loss surgery is easy-- I will probably punch them right in the nose!! This has not been easy. And I still have 40 lbs more to go this year. I would do this again and again. I see women that are really over weight and I resist the urge to tell them about lap band surgery. I never knew about the band. Its so weird because I am a nurse and had spent hours searching online for my weight loss answer so many hours. I only found out by a fluke when I ready a book by Carnie Wilson and I looked it up online and was like WTF!! How did I not know about this ??? I bought that book at a crazy sale at the library, all the books you can fit in a bag for 3.00- wow. And it took 6 months from then to get my surgery. I had to pay out of my pocket because my insurance does not cover it. I would love to tell someone and help them to get the surg. But not sure that it would be appreciated so I say nothing. So I am slowly learning about really making this band work for me.
Just re-reading this makes me teary. Thankful, and happy for all that has happened in this last year. Its not been easy up to this point, and I don't imagine the next months ahead will be easy.. When I think of how far I have come it feels like a miracle =))) 
I hope that if anyone is reading this that is not banded yet learns something from my ramblings. And great news I got my first follower on my blog today! YAY!

changes

Weight today was 229. YAY. Just have to keep that number doing down.


With that said I wonder why no one ever talks about some of the emotional changes that happen after surgery. Like how things that used to never bother you because you were so good at eating over your feeling suddenly are rearing their ugly heads. Yep. I know this must happen to others. Things that I never used to let bother me are suddenly so annoying I feel like I am going a little crazy. I know that I have to deal with these things head on, which requires me to communicate my feelings to others. I suck at this !! I would rather just keep it in, but realize it is a barrier in my relationships and weight loss.For my own well being I have to let this out. Some things that have been bothering me about a very important relationship came bubbling out this past week and I think has shocked my partner. Kind of surprised me to realize how much these issues were bothering me. I finally let it out and didn't go so well. With me yelling, crying and hating myself for saying the things I was saying even if was all true. I very rarely cry so I am not sure if this is a breakthrough, or me not coping with life very well. I wish that I would find some one talking frankly about these emotional changes, changes in relationships and why sometimes things don't work out in long term relationships after WLS.

I have always known being in a relationship with me has never been easy. I am moody, low self esteem, insecure and much of this I have always felt was related to my eating. Feeling mad and mean when eating to much. Loathing myself for failing at yet another diet. Mad at myself for the money wasted on dieting, weight loss attempts. All of these things my partner has been with me for all these years and all I can do is scream about a half ass partnership. My feeling like its a waste of time and if things don't change we aren't going to work out. I actually feel like a huge jerk this morning. I know she has put up with more from me than any other person would. But what are you supposed to do when you have feelings that you don't know what to do with. All of the things I said were probably valid on some level, but why can't I just say things in a calm and mature way instead of letting it all build up and letting it all out at once? Without food to silence these feelings I think life is going to be hard for me.

Maybe I need to see a psychiatrist. But my experience before was that it is hard to find someone that understands my situation--- I have went to a couple of sessions several years ago, and felt like the lady was just collecting my copay and didn't have much understanding/interest in what I was there for..

So much for losing weight making me feel all bright and shiny. I don't feel like that at all. And I guess that is what I was expecting, and feel like this isn't going to be the case at all. I am still the same damaged person inside. I wonder how many people have changes in their relationships good or bad after WLS.........