NSV

Okay! I have said that I love my lap band lately? Its kind of tight but I wore a size 18 pants to work today. And yeah that is still big, but its so much better than the 22/24 that I was in. I was trying to think of when the last time I was able to wear these and I think it was around 2005. I wonder what people at work think about me wearing these clothes and boots? lol. Only one person said anything- and ya know what? I am going to wear the clothes-- because I can!!! Its not that I think I look nice because over all its not about that at all.. Its just the victory of finally being able to get to in these clothes that have just been hanging in my closet for so long!!! If a person has never been morbidly obese they have no idea what it feels like to finally feel formerly too small clothes fit again!!! When I look at myself naked I can't see the difference that much.. but my clothes tell me that the changes are happening. Slowly but surely.. I promise to be patient with myself. I will be going into my 40's at the lowest weight I have been in years. My lowest weight since being in Texas was 160 and I think I was there for about a minute. Then my life got a little mixed up and turned around. That was when I was 30!! Wow. 10 years ago.. a lifetime in someways and yesterday in others! (Turned a little wild there for awhile)

One of the strangest things to me about this weight loss journey is how a food I would think would plug my band up -- just slides right through.. Its almost like the bottom part of my stomach just opens up and lets that hot tamale candy that I love so much, or those ever so fattening chips .. Nope the stoma just opens up and lets those foods that I don't need right on through. Let me try and eat a meat ball, or some chicken and I am going to be stuck and feeling awful.. makes no sense. My significant other thinks that its all in my head. ITs NOT! I can't eat those foods easily. I think that so much of our relationship was built around food that its been pretty hard to find common ground. There have been a few times that I have wondered if we could even make it through this WLJ and end up on the other side still together. Food just cant be my "thing" anymore. She likes to cook for me-- but does not care to cook things for me that are band friendly. I realize that she over feeds the pets, and that is her way of showing love. I can't/won't let that happen to me anymore. lol sounds weird or harsh of me to say but its true. I wonder if other people have these kind of thoughts...

Things that I want to work on this next month that is coming up:
Exercise Walking or bike 4 days per week
Water-- I have never been getting this water in
By the end of October 210-- WOW! Can that be right????
I need to join a challenge!
Okay-- Well off to enjoy this Friday evening here by myself..(which is a nice thing) =)) its only for a few more hours. And I am going to enjoy.

finally fall-- a little off topic

Fall is finally here! Its cooler outside and I am feeling so much more like myself. I've had such good evenings this week. One day I went to work on cleaning up the bushes in the yard and cut them all down. The next day cleaned up around the house and yesterday I picked my grandson up  and took him for a haircut and brought him back to the house and made him dinner. It makes me sad because his mom can be so harsh with him, but I know better than to say anything and just try to be his Mimi and be as patient with him as he always deserves.. He so sweet its not hard. Age has mellowed me out!

So my weight this morning on my scale which tends to weigh 2 lbs heavier than my doctor was 228.8! So I am doing okay. I would do better if I would get up and exercise or do it after work. I think tonight I am going to come home and clean up the garage and then ride my exercise bike. I have not been good about that this month at all! I rode my spin bike 78 miles last month-- and this month I think only like rode it twice for short distances.

I am getting closer to onederland and I am excited! I have been looking deeper in my closet and finding some cute shoes and going to wear them to work. I am sure most people won't understand that the clothes I am wearing aren't new and not buying them for the job. haha maybe they will think I am trying for a promotion -- NOT even!

Not much to write about today. So I hope all of my fellow bloggers are enjoying the change of seasons as much as I am. Here in Texas its such a welcome relief for the cool weather. Have a great lighter day everyone!!

Great news. Went to my doctors appointment and my weight was 227!!! Finally broke into the 20's seems like getting into the transition to the next lower number is always so hard for me. But I realized today that I am nearly half way to my goal of 100 lbs lost and already half way  past the goal the doctor made for me to lose 80 lbs the first year!! Whew.. That realization did wonders for my self esteem. I am really happy about that. Makes my band being a little to tight for comfort worth it- I think its better for my band to be too tight then my pants! I am not sure if my band is to tight or if the problems is more of me not following the  band rules. I have a hard time slowing down to eat. Still eat like a starving puppy, and I forget to chew, chew, chew. And eating a cup of food at a time-- well I fully admit that I have not really measured-EVER. I have paid for this with throwing up, PB and general discomfort. I think I am learning ever so slowly to adjust my habits. Realize now that I can't get up and just eat what ever jumps at me from the refrigerator. I will pay by throwing up and that's if I am lucky. If not lucky it will just be stuck and really uncomfortable for hours. I guess this is BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION. Eating meat-- probably not really something I will be doing to much of. BUT my clothes fit, loosely, Walking in heels does not make my toes scream for 2 days, and I just feel better. (Most days) I still have days where this is really hard mentally. I want to dive head first into the nearest bag of chips, but am able to eat small amts of most foods and be satisfied. If anyone ever says that weight loss surgery is easy-- I will probably punch them right in the nose!! This has not been easy. And I still have 40 lbs more to go this year. I would do this again and again. I see women that are really over weight and I resist the urge to tell them about lap band surgery. I never knew about the band. Its so weird because I am a nurse and had spent hours searching online for my weight loss answer so many hours. I only found out by a fluke when I ready a book by Carnie Wilson and I looked it up online and was like WTF!! How did I not know about this ??? I bought that book at a crazy sale at the library, all the books you can fit in a bag for 3.00- wow. And it took 6 months from then to get my surgery. I had to pay out of my pocket because my insurance does not cover it. I would love to tell someone and help them to get the surg. But not sure that it would be appreciated so I say nothing. So I am slowly learning about really making this band work for me.
Just re-reading this makes me teary. Thankful, and happy for all that has happened in this last year. Its not been easy up to this point, and I don't imagine the next months ahead will be easy.. When I think of how far I have come it feels like a miracle =))) 
I hope that if anyone is reading this that is not banded yet learns something from my ramblings. And great news I got my first follower on my blog today! YAY!

changes

Weight today was 229. YAY. Just have to keep that number doing down.


With that said I wonder why no one ever talks about some of the emotional changes that happen after surgery. Like how things that used to never bother you because you were so good at eating over your feeling suddenly are rearing their ugly heads. Yep. I know this must happen to others. Things that I never used to let bother me are suddenly so annoying I feel like I am going a little crazy. I know that I have to deal with these things head on, which requires me to communicate my feelings to others. I suck at this !! I would rather just keep it in, but realize it is a barrier in my relationships and weight loss.For my own well being I have to let this out. Some things that have been bothering me about a very important relationship came bubbling out this past week and I think has shocked my partner. Kind of surprised me to realize how much these issues were bothering me. I finally let it out and didn't go so well. With me yelling, crying and hating myself for saying the things I was saying even if was all true. I very rarely cry so I am not sure if this is a breakthrough, or me not coping with life very well. I wish that I would find some one talking frankly about these emotional changes, changes in relationships and why sometimes things don't work out in long term relationships after WLS.

I have always known being in a relationship with me has never been easy. I am moody, low self esteem, insecure and much of this I have always felt was related to my eating. Feeling mad and mean when eating to much. Loathing myself for failing at yet another diet. Mad at myself for the money wasted on dieting, weight loss attempts. All of these things my partner has been with me for all these years and all I can do is scream about a half ass partnership. My feeling like its a waste of time and if things don't change we aren't going to work out. I actually feel like a huge jerk this morning. I know she has put up with more from me than any other person would. But what are you supposed to do when you have feelings that you don't know what to do with. All of the things I said were probably valid on some level, but why can't I just say things in a calm and mature way instead of letting it all build up and letting it all out at once? Without food to silence these feelings I think life is going to be hard for me.

Maybe I need to see a psychiatrist. But my experience before was that it is hard to find someone that understands my situation--- I have went to a couple of sessions several years ago, and felt like the lady was just collecting my copay and didn't have much understanding/interest in what I was there for..

So much for losing weight making me feel all bright and shiny. I don't feel like that at all. And I guess that is what I was expecting, and feel like this isn't going to be the case at all. I am still the same damaged person inside. I wonder how many people have changes in their relationships good or bad after WLS.........

Just a quick weigh in today. I am disappointed with myself, but not going to tear myself down. My weight today was 230. So I am up but its not a whole pound. If anyone ever says that having WLS is the easy way--- so not true. I think it is a different kind of challenge, but just as hard. Well that's all for my short blog today. Got to get ready to tackle this day. Hope everyone has a good Monday. Peace

Did someone say cold front? YAY

I would really love some cooler weather. I love fall. Not just love but LOVE. Cooler weather, pumpkin muffins, pumpkin lattes, open windows, fresh cool air.. I love the changing colors of nature, although here in Texas where I live we don't see much of that, but what I do see makes me happy. Makes me miss my hometown. And its Friday!! YAY.

I finally made the decision to stay at my job. The thought of those hours, and not having insurance for 3 months and no paid time off along with high costing insurance I decided I would be stupid to leave right now. 11 hour days 5 days a week would leave me more grandbaby time, but very little "me" time which I need and honestly that would just leave my mind way to much time to wander. Something I don't need. I need to keep my mind busy. The lack of benefits could leave me with some very high medical bills and I do not need that. Hopefully nothing like that would happen but one never knows.

Now for the good news!!! this morning stepped on the scale and it said******229.8***** I have finally broken through to the 20's!  My band is making it clear to me that it is the boss. I am wise to listen because it is very uncomfortable when I don't. I do not want to throw up anymore, and cause my band to slip.  I did much better not over eating yesterday. Not a perfect day by far, but better. I have found that eating the same things help. To much variety sends me to over eating. I have been very happy with my dinner of refried beans, a scrambled egg with shredded cheese and some Louisiana hot sauce. YUM. Catwoman is  wanting to go out to eat this weekend. I am trying to avoid that as I have not enjoyed that much usually have spend most of the time in the bathroom and feeling awful. If I do end up going out I will just tell her that it has to be some place that has soup. Oh yes.. and back to my new favorite dinner. I may have mentioned this before, but a can of refried beans lasts for 5-6 days.. lol. before I would have at that whole can or at least 3/4 of it. I am spending so little money on food these days its crazy. That is one thing about the band is you really do have to learn to shop in a different way. At least for me, the more food I have the more I eat. I am trying to plan better and think ahead and be real with myself when I shop. Buying a 6 pack of avocados at Sam's does not make sense anymore. Buying in BULK doesn't either.

So... I will report back in on Monday and see where my weight is then. I really need to get walking with this cooler weather. Will make me feel so much better and maybe help me to deal with stress better as this has been a big problem for me in the last few months. I am pretty grouchy. Food use to be the thing that soothed me and overall was my medication. I cant medicate with food and be successful with this band. A topic for another day needs to be how I feel inside with the weight loss. I guess I thought that when I lost some weight I would magically turn into one of these glowing, beautiful weight loss stories. But I don't feel like that at all. I love that I have lost weight, but seriously need to learn to deal with LIFE. What do I need to do to feel serentity???? Any ideas anyone??? Well ??

Have a great weekend! I plan to

The 2nd weigh in..

Well I decided to try to weigh myself daily to see what happens..... today 231.4 I think this is just about the same as yesterday. This journey is tough. I learn about myself. Trying so hard to cope better with life without comfort of overeating. I still am overeating my not like I used to. I met with a friend yesterday that I used to go to OA with. She had gained the weight back that she had lost. I thought about what a shame that was for her, and realized that has been me on several occasions. Losing then regaining. I want this time to lose the weight and maintain it. I have to change my habits for this to happen. I am not so good with change, but I have changed in some ways.
1. No longer drinking diet soda like crazy. Have not had a soda since  March
2. My binge eating has taken on a new meaning-- I would say no longer binge but do overeat
3. I exercise-- time to get back to being more committed to this.
4. No longer wasting 100's of dollars eating out. Never realized how much I spend on fast foods
5. Gotten lots better about taking my lunch to work, being prepared for the day.

Still lots of changes and work to do. I feel like I have made some good progress!! Now to get through this day.
Peace

Tight band

Today is Tuesday. I got my band adjustment on Sunday.. I think my band is to tight. When I eat I hear this crazy gurgling sound coming from my esophagus. I ate some tortilla soup yesterday- should be no problem right? WRONG I threw up 3 times. bah... This is not good when at work. Eating all of the things that I shouldn't because they do down easy. Catwoman has been making me mad because she tells me that it is all in my head! No its not...Candy and hard foods go down easy.

ITs all very frustrating. I don't want to go to work today. I start my new job on 9/30. So its coming up soon. I cant wait to get the F^&* out of there. Such a negative place to spend all day. I am not sure how I am going to feel at my new job where there is not that much to do.. I am trying to figure out what my second career will be. But not sure yet. But really trying to think hard about what I want from a second career. I think I should start posting my weight daily here.. I am not sure if that will help or not. I have been having a really bad time with my night eating again. MAYBE knowing that I had to publish my weight daily would help???? I wonder. I am going to ponder on that . 

Okay.  I need a vacation. I want a vacation. I want to go to the beach. I want to clear my head. I want to walk away from work one day soon and know that I don't have to go back for a week. sigh. oh well not in the future any time soon...
Weight today.. 231. I guess I will try posting every few days. Trying to get under 230.. seem stuck here, I think its 99% mental. I weighed 229 when I started at Scott and white and would love to leave less then that! Okay, off to work.. Hope all have a good and healthy day

Listen to the DOCTOR

Today I went in for a fill. I really needed it. I was about 6 weeks out from my last fill, and honestly was not eating like a lap band patient should. So I thought that at best I might break even and not have gained any weight from the last time I saw my doctor.. GOOD news! I lost 4 lbs. I know that is not much and should be better, but I am taking it! He said that my loss is slow but he is pleased. So he asked me how my appetite has been and I said that I can eat mostly what I want.. So he said he was going to give me an aggressive fill. He said that my band now has 6.5 cc in it, he put 1 cc in the band today YAY--- he said I should feel the restriction for sure this time.

So Catwoman and I went out to eat after at our most favorite spot in Austin. (more hers) but oh well I knew I was not going to be able to eat. I really haven't enjoyed a meal out since my band has been at about 5 cc. I just can't eat out. My mind wants it all and I just end up seeing more of the restroom than anything. As was the case today. Dr. Ganta said to have fluids for 3 days-- Did I mind this advice?? No? Did I pay for it? YES! I have always been able to eat something after my fills. I think last time I had a muffin and coffee. I ordered soup. There was some very little small mushrooms and I guess did not agree. OR maybe it was the 2 bites of cucumber from a very yummy salad. I chewed and chewed.. Got uncomfortable. Stopped. Waited a bit then ate a few more bites of soup--- the went to the restroom and up it came.. back to the table.. NO more bites and got the feeling and back for some nausea and projectile type vomiting.. SIGH-- fine no eating today. So I went back to the table sat down and was reading a paper, and AGAIN I got the feeling and back in for a 3rd time...
I guess I will be on fluids for a few days. I don't want an unfill--- so I am going to have to deal with this and eat as I am supposed to.. NO over eating or eating what I know I shouldn't AKA candy.

I think my total weight loss now is around 40. I am hoping by next month my weight will be much closer to 50 lbs lost. Catwoman had her own issues after that meal. Her gallbladder came out a few years ago and she needs to be careful what she eats or she has issues with dumping... Today was pretty much a bust and I was ready to get home and take a nap before I go to work tonight.

Oh but wait-- there was a NSV! I went to Old Navy and was soooo happy when I slid on a size 18 pants and had on a really cute top. I wanted to buy the outfit because I was just so happy and I thought it was so cute.. But I decided that I have enough clothes and was just really pleased that I could wear the 18's. There was a really cute pair of skinny jeans size 16 I wanted but that was sooo not happening. They had stars on them, I would have bought those... So just 5 months ago I could barely get my size 22 pants on and 2x scrubs were beginning to be to tight. SO I am very pleased with my slow weight loss. I do need to do better, and take better care to follow the lap band rules.

I asked the Dr. Ganta about drinking coffee cuz I so miss my coffee. He said he doesn't advise it if its an appetite stimulant for me, or if I am having reflux. Well. I am thinking maybe an occasional cup of coffee might be nice. Especially since its almost time for pumpkin cream coming up.. Maybe I can make a deal that if I exercise the day before the next morning I can have that cup of coffee. What do you all think? Does anyone else drink coffee?  I am not sure if you can leave comments on my blog.. If you can share with me!!!

Well today is the day I am going to start cutting out the sugar. I am going to focus right now on my eating and following the rules of the lap band. Life has been completely filled with chaos lately and I have not been dealing with it very well. I have been eating to much sugar and using that as coping. Last night I was just looking for something to eat and ate all that I wanted and before long two things happened. One I realized that what I was trying to do with food was not working! I subconsciously was trying to soothe myself with food. Nothing I ate was working. I went to the grocery store to "buy cat food" but was wandering the aisles looking for something to calm my nerves.(I realize this now) Nothing really struck me as doing it.. But I wanted some doughnuts and I found these pumpkin  muffins. So I did buy them. Ate 2 of the mini doughnuts and guess what? They were not good, did not taste good and so I tried the muffins--- YUCK they were over processed and didn't taste like pumpkin muffins.. They are going to work with me today and I will gladly leave them in the break room for someone else to eat. I am glad that I have the awareness of doing this--- but I still don't have the answer of how to calm and soothe myself. Seriously without food I have no addictions. I don't smoke, hardly ever drink, no drugs, so what can I do to calm myself? I know there are things to do-- take a bath, take a walk ect. But none of those things was going to do it last night. It was past that for me. Maybe I should try to drink a glass of wine, when I feel like this. Which has been every single night lately. Work is really working  my nerves lately. I guess its not only  work -- its that I have not been doing what I am supposed to do for my band. Things have been a little tense with partner. I get the blame for that most of the time... Some people aren't good at owning their part in problems.... sigh

So today all of the same things are going to be happening-- Work will be hectic, it will be my normal instinct to reach for food to calm me. I can't keep doing this. I am going to try to calm myself down today with positive self talk...My boss told me he thinks I  internalize what is going in my department to much-- ya think? I am a woman who has had tons of responsibility since I was 15--even before that... I have learned to be hard on myself and take too much responsibility. I also tend to absorb other peoples anxiety... and if there is someone in the room who is anxious or stressed I absorb that like a sponge. I can't be doing this. I just can't. I can only fix what is fixable, and can only do as much as my 2 hands can do. My job is not to fix everything, or to make everyone happy.
What is my job? Right now my job is to  get by each day-- do the best job I can and as for work... It has been made clear to me what my job is at work and  I am not going to try to over do anymore.
Wow I have got off topic here -- back to lap band rules.

The rules I need to focus on today--
1. Eat 3 meals,no snacking
2. Drink 60 0z of water
3. Focus on protein. --- I don't want to count them but I know a carb vs protein
4. A meal has a beginning and and end. NO GRAZING
5. No CANDY
6. Exercise after work today.

5 month surgiversary!

Okay this is a current picture of me.. I made a mistake earlier and realized that this is my 5 month surgiversery! Wow ! How did I miss that? Thought the day went by.. When I started this I was wearing a size 2x and those were getting TIGHT. This shirt is an XL. and the pants I think are a size 18. Cant see them but these jeans have some "jewels" on them..Bedazzled you might say and I love them. They were my favorite jeans about 5 years ago.. I can finally get back in them! YAY.
I am really super excited that it is getting to be fall and I will be able to get out and walk. Its been TOO hot here in Texas to be outside much. I don't tolerate the heat so well since I had my thyroid gland removed about 5 years ago..Which is a whole story about weight loss I might get into one of these days.

So I have to admit part of what has inspired this blog is that I think that the whole lap band journey has started to get a little tougher for me. Life is set in, reality of stress. The realization that I do have to make changes-- the band is a tool and its not going to do ALL of the work for me. Realizing that although weight loss does make me feel better about myself, it doesn't change the person I am on the inside. I probably need to work more on that then anything. So anyway.. for what its worth.. I will be here posting.. Learning about myself and recording my journey.

Did I happen to mention I am late 30 ish.. (no need for exact numbers here right?) Okay yes I am pushing toward the big 4-0 at an alarming rate.. I have a wonderful grandson that is 5 years old now. I would not change anything about him being part of my life. He is the biggest part of my heart! I love that boy more than anything. I want to get healthy to be around for him. I was there the day that he was born, and have love every minute of being his MiMi. His mom and dad (my son) aren't together any longer and haven't been since before he was a year old.. So keeping him in our lives has been a part of my life. His mother has been really great about letting us see him when we want. I am so thankful for that. Well.. enough about me... I hope some of you will share your story with me! Good night!

My Story

As of yesterday it has been 5 months since I was banded. April 9, 2013. Banded in Austin Texas by Dr. Ganta. So far it has been a roller coaster. I have not been working hard enough at changing what is in my head. I have lost 39 lbs. Which is a modest weight loss. (if you are into comparing) which I am not. This is my journey and I am meant to do this at my own pace. I am actually starting this because I have been journaling.. But would really love to do this online. Maybe it would be easier to be successful when posting the journey to the whole world. MAYBE??? Plus I have been reading some blogs that totally have inspired me, and maybe I could help to inspire someone else..

Okay that was a little about me.. I started at my highest weight last year of 271. I say that is my highest weight. I was 268 when I met with Dr. Ganta. I believe I was 261 at my preop appt before my surgery. I am now at 230. So I have lost about 38-39 lbs. I cant seem to break into the 220's... But I will get there. Soon I hope. I have an appt with Dr. Ganta this weekend and would really love to be down to 229. I know I can get there. I just have to get through this mental block I have. I think that for me 75% of this journey is mental.

I would really like to get to know other people that have been banded. I went to a support group at a local hospital after my surgery and I was the ONLY one there. I ended up spending 40 minutes talking to lady that I don't think ever had a weight problem. She said that she was 15 lbs over weight and I seriously wanted to look at her and say REALLY.. I think the only one really qualified to run a weight loss support group would be someone that had walked the path..So that was a huge let down for me and I guess it made sense that no one else was there.

Today is 09/10/13. I want to lose 8 lbs in the next month. I can do it!! Please join me in this journey and walk the road with me.